We had so many family members coming to see Hayden some came every day some came when they were not working,but I remember my mom, sister and I went to target to get some stuff and my birth dad and step came came to see him but we were not there so I told dickhead to bring them back to meet him. When we got back I wanted them to go see him with me but my birth dad didn’t want to.  So my mom told him that I really needed him to go with me so he did. He cried looking at him and that was the first and last time he came to see Hayden. My step mom on the other hand came all the time. She worked crazy hours in Post falls and still managed to come see Hayden and me after work. Which I loved. But I have always had a really good relationship with her not him though. She has always been there for us and knowing she was there for us during this hard time was so special to me.

There was this very rough night when I went to see Hayden at his 2 or 5 am care times and he had an IV in his head which I knew was coming but all his other veins were rejecting it so they had to switch all the time but this was the first it was in his head. Seeing that was so scary and heartbreaking to see. My baby boy was always going through so much. Having tests done, struggling to maintain body heat, not able to eat on his own without a feeding tube, so many things. Which I forgot to mention but it wasn’t till a while later that I found out he had a stroke during delivery so that did cause some problems as well but having zellweger syndrome isn’t for the weak he was a fighter and he proved that to us all everyday. I wished and prayed everyday that God wherever he was would suck it out of Hayden and put it into me. Let me have a death sentence not my sweet boy. He was too precious and loved, so innocent he has had a life of being stuck in the NICU under the bilirubin lights with a shield surrounding him. With oxygen not being able to nurse from his mommy not being able to be held for too long all these different things that a child should never have to endure.

Have you ever had a happy place, a place where you could just sit peacefully and cry or smile or just look around and be calm? I had two in that hospital when I wasn’t with Hayden. The skywalk with the fish and the skywalk with the butterflies. I would just sit in the window and listen to the sounds they had in there and watch all the people walking around outside with absolutely no idea that there were babies dying, babies fighting to live, they were just living there lives some about to just have there babies, some leaving with their babies, some were happy and some people left sad. All I could think about was a lot of people had no idea of the absolutely worse that was happening up here. But I just let all the emotions come because I was in a safe place where I could sit and think.