When you go in to have a baby, you never should have to fear about your baby not living. Well that was my case anyways never in a million years would I have thought having a baby would bring me so much heartache and fear for the unknown future.

I remember it like it was yesterday my mom,sister, Dick and I arrived bright and early at the hospital. I didn’t sleep much the night before because of nerves and contractions. It felt like forever before our room was ready. When we got into the room I remember thinking this room is huge. We got all registered and they got me hooked up to the monitors. They didn’t start induction me until I think 8 or 9. And I tried to get some sleep but I felt like I wasn’t really sleeping. Most of the day was a blur because contractions coming and going. But through all the contractions my mom didn’t leave my side, she tried helping me breathe and warn me when I was about to have a big one. I tried taking a bath too see if they would help. And Dick tried being there to comfort me but I was so tired. I think it was around 2 that I got the epidural and something went wrong because I could feel everything only from my waist down my waist up was  numb so they had to adjust me and then it started working like it should. It was around 6 or 7 when things started picking up and my sister and Dick were gone because they went to the cafeteria for food. Nobody could get ahold of them because they left their phones in my room. It was almost time to start pushing and I didn’t because I wanted Dick and my sister there. My mom told my dad he might have to step in for them. They got in the room right when they were getting me ready to push. I couldn’t tell when I was having contractions because there was so much going on.

I swear I had like 6 people in there for me, for doctors and Hayden had a run of Drs in there for him. I kept pushing even though I couldn’t tell if I was contacting or not. I was so tired and just wanted him out. I remember crying because I just wanted to give up but I couldn’t his head was almost out and my mom kept telling me I was so close and I could do it. I tried so hard to push. He finally came out and I instantly was in a panic he wasn’t crying and Dick was telling me he heard him crying but I knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t because he wasn’t breathing….. They let me see him for a second but I didn’t get to do any of the normal things, I didn’t get to try to nurse him, I didn’t get to do skin to skin, I didn’t get to talk to him. They rushed him up to the NICU, Dick and my mom went with him. My dad stayed with me. But I was so scared that he wasn’t going to make it. But I just wanted to see him.

The nurse came in after a while and told me to try to go to the bathroom. If I could go by myself I could go see Hayden so I caught hard even though it hurt I went. I thought they weren’t going to see him. But they were going to bring me a wheelchair so I could. My dad said he was going to be ok he’s breathing but he has a machine on him. I got wheeled down with my mom and Dick and my mom warned what he looked like being hooked up to machines and having a CPAP on him. I remember passing the NICU waiting room and Dicks family told me I looked good and he was beautiful. It kinda made me sad thinking they got to see him and I didn’t even get 5 seconds with him in this world. When we got to the room I remember my heart sinking. Seeing him like that in this incubator this tiny, innocent baby with all these tubes and wires connected to him. He was the most beautiful, precious boy and this was what he had to come out of me to. Being alone in this thing. I wanted to hold him so bad but I couldn’t. I was only allowed to touch him through a little hole but enough to fit your hand into. But that was the moment I knew we were going to be ok. He was gonna fight. We would fight for him. Whatever this road would bring us. He was my son and I was not going to leave his side.