Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a mom. As a little innocent girl I knew I wanted 100 kids, and I had them all named 😅

To my surprise being pregnant is hard work, emotionally and physically. Especially when you don’t have the support from your baby’s dad.

I thought when I got pregnant things should be different and he would treat me better…. But I was a fool. At first he was buying me things. But that quickly changed. He still wanted to be a child, we left our house to go live with his nana and papa and honestly the only reason I got to eat was because of them and WIC. But if we went out just us he’d lie and say he didn’t have money to buy me food so he’d just order me a cheeseburger and himself a whole meal. I was always last in his mind.

My sister helped me a lot, but when I’d go see her you could tell she was worried because yes I was pregnant but I was also tiny my weight wasn’t gaining like it should, so she always made sure I had food and was taking care of myself. She helped me get insurance and food stamps and WIC. I’m forever grateful for my sister who I could always talk to about anything.

I knew I wanted to do a gender reveal for my pregnancy. I wanted to experience everything that all parents (moms) get to. So at the big 20 week scan I had Dick, my mom and my sister come with. What was supposed to be an exciting experience quickly changed. At the ultrasound to me everything looked good. I could tell my mom and sister were looking and knew that they saw the gender. But I also didn’t think dick was happy about being there. We were there for quite some time. After the scan I had my normal Dr appointment so my mom and sister left because I thought dick was going to come with me, instead he stayed in the car and made me go alone.

I went in all happy because I thought everything went well. It seemed like forever before my doctor finally came to see me, she looked sad, and disappointed. She sat down next to me and told me they found some abnormal findings, the baby’s facials looked different, the baby’s limbs were shorter than normal, possible club feet, and its face was off. So she said possibly it could be down syndrome. I broke down. I couldn’t breathe. I was alone with NO support. And she just kept talking I don’t even think I heard anything else because I was scared. She told me she’s sending a referral to Spokane maternal fetal medicine and they have better equipment to get a better look for me.

After my appointment I just saw there for awhile just taking it all in. I called my mom and told her what happened, if she had known Dick wasn’t going to go with me she would’ve come with me. I could tell his worried she was for me. I went back to the car with Dick and explained everything to him. He still acted like nothing was wrong, my sister called me and asked if I wanted to stay with her that night. I didn’t want to go back with Dick especially when he wasn’t being supportive so I had him drop me off with my mom and sister. I was just so numb but I couldn’t stop crying I was terrified I kept thinking what if I caused this by letting myself get mistreated, by not taking care of myself, this was all my fault my baby is going to die and it is all my fault.

My mom and sister went to me to the Hallmark store but I started in the car I didn’t want to go . They came out with a box and my mom asked if I wanted to wait or do I want to know the gender. I needed some good news from that day so I told them I wanted to know. She handed me a blue box, inside it was a very big blue blanket and she got me a baby book. I was so excited but my heart was still broken.

My sister and I dropped my mom off and my mom hugged me so tight letting me know everything will be ok. I always knew when my mom told me something it was true. My sister and I then went for a walk, we talked about everything she told me if I need to I could stay with her, but I knew I couldn’t Dick wouldn’t let me. And I didn’t want my big sister to have to protect me from him. Even though I knew she would in a heartbeat.

That night we stayed up late watching scary movies,  eating pizza and ice cream. I always enjoyed staying with my sister it’s always been a safe place. A happy place

When I went back with Dick the next day he decided it was a perfect time to go to a high school party, but he tricked me. He says we’re sneaking out to go get food. Which was a lie. Why. Would be taking me who was now a high risk pregnancy to a high school party. We were 20 not 17.

At this party it was so late and he just kept hanging out with these people so I ended up passing out on a couch in the basement away from everyone and everything that was going on. He was ignoring me the whole time talking to girls and just being a child. I woke up the next day and he was asleep on the couch too as well as two other girls. I told him we needed to go. So I went to the car only to find it had been hit. And whoever hit it was gone. I yelled at him and told him. He started cussing up a storm, yelling, and kicking his car. We left but he left pissed he was going so fast without thinking of what could happen going that fast.  We eventually figured out who did it and his nana and papa got them to pay for damages.

A couple weeks later we went to our first ob appointment for high risk. We met a genetic counselor who did tons of blood work then did the ultrasound. They had a lot of findings, limbs were small, club feet, fluid on his brain, and so much more. From the findings they told us it could be a possibility of down syndrome, or he could be a little person. They wanted to monitor the fluid so I had to come back every two weeks. I know I wouldn’t have been able to handle all of this without my mom or sister coming with. I’m forever grateful for them.

My mom, sister, nephew and I heard about a hydrocephalus run they were having in Spokane so we participated. We obviously didn’t do the actual run because it was July and I was pregnant 😅 but we did get to meet so many wonderful parents who had so much information on it and they were so helpful. One mom I talked to let me meet her son and she told us if my son was in the NICU and we wanted somewhere to stay we could stay with her. She explained everything about shunts and the fluid and surgery her son had to get. It was definitely scary thinking that my baby who wasn’t even born yet might have to go through so much. We went to and saw all the different booths they had. Then lightning McQueen was there so my nephew got to go see him.

Dick was upset because I was over exaggerating everything and the doctors were wrong. He just kept telling everyone everything was fine. If it wasn’t for me to tell his family what was actually being said they would have thought our Son was gonna be normal, no NICU time, nothing.

I’m gonna skip some details just because that’ll be for another time but we went in for my final mfm appointment the day before. I was 37 weeks. And they looked at everything and decided I would still be induced but I could choose what day they had 9/11 open but I told them no I didn’t want my baby’s birthday to be in the day because of bad juju. So we chose 9/12. They showed us where the NICU was but by the sound of things our son wouldn’t have to be in the NICU. We were all shocked. I thought because of everything wrong with him he would have to be in the NICU and now they’re telling us he won’t. I was so excited. We made a game plan. Hayden, who is our son would have his own Drs then I would have mine. I was so excited but nervous. This was actually going to happen in a few days my son would be home with me. In the nursery I worked so hard for him.

On 9/11 I went to stay at my mom’s and Dick would just meet us at the hospital in the morning. But to my surprise I was leaking something weird and cramping. I asked my mom if it was normal to be leaking weird stuff and I told her what it looked like. She figured it was my mucus plug so we went to our nearest hospital. And they confirmed it was my mucus plus and I was having contractions. I was in early labor. The hospital didn’t feel comfortable keeping me there just in case he decided to come because then they would have to have him flown to sacred heart. So they told us to pack our stuff and go to sacred heart. So we went back to my mom’s packed everything and my mom,sister and Dick went to the hospital. They told us it was just early labor so unless any changes happen they’ll stick to induction in the morning.

The birth of Hayden’s arrival will be in my next blog ❤️